May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I will be naked everywhere
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
