Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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