When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
he told me I talked like a deaf person
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
