Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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