You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Randomize
