We're like a lot better than the average bears
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Randomize
