I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
