My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
