How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
COCAINE IS GR8
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
