You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
