Do vagina's smell?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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