I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
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