Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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