maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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