im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
my phone needs a breathalizer
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize