You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Randomize
