my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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