Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Randomize
