Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
