I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
