If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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