Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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