A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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