There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
