wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
