so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
