omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
