I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I want to make a zoo with you.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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