My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
