I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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