Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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