So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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