drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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