I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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