either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
