My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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