Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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