My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Randomize
