That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I am naked and annoyed.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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