I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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