You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
