i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
