he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Randomize
