Got a toothbrush?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
