It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
