last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
