Even the bartender felt bad for me
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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