Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
