if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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