There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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