theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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