I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
