well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize