she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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