Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize