every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
