please come you make the beer taste better
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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