All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
