u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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